I am tired, no, no maybe exhausted is the right word.  I'm exhaused of people thinking they know the deets of my life. They think they know what I've done, the things I've been through, and the people I love.  My response? You don't know diddly squat. You don't know the reasons I am the way I am. You don't know why I make the decisions I do, and you sure as hell don't know what I've done.  The thing is, I don't even know the answer to half of those questions, except the what I've done one, I'm clueless.  I make bad decisions, but I live with those. People judge me as though they know my life story, well sorry to inform you of this, but I don't know my story even.  Unless you're following me around, which is also referred to as stalking, then just shut up.  It's pointless to pretend you're my best friend, it's pointless to pretend you care.  All that comes of that is pain, and regret.  Regret isn't my feeling though, I've lived my life with only one true regret, and that's ever talking to R.A..  It's pretty sad to admit that that is my only regret.  If you only knew though, then you'd understand why I regret everything.  Why somedays I can't bare to be in public for fear of bursting out into tears.  Never in my life do I want to see him again, and I know I will, that's the hard part. I know if I ever even wanted to see T.B. again, I'd have to put up with seeing R.A. everytime.  Ughh, the thought of this makes me depressive.

Regrets&&Friends.

I feel as though most of the things I do these days are mistakes.  They seem like they are good decisions at the time but when I look back at them, I realize it wasn't what was best for me.  Seth for instance, biggest mistake of my life.  He has hurt me more than I thought humanly possible.  I feel dirty, unimportant, and used.  I know he didn't mean to make me feel like this, and if he knew he did, then he'd probably be very upset with himself...  So, I kind of keep it to myself.
I don't regret Seth, I just view it as a mistake, a regret would b like hanging out with R.A.  R.A.will be the one thing in this world I'll regret until I die.  He took something from me that I can never get back.  The one thing in this world I had to give to someone I truly cared about went to waste.  I wish I could write a blog on that, just to get all of the feelings I have out, but I just can't.  I get that there's going to be people who believe me, but I also know that there are people that won't, and those will be the people who matter.  I don't remember every detail of that night,  I remember the ones that led up to it, which were all my decisions, all the way up to the point when I walked into that door.  I lost the one person I cared about most, just because I chose to go.
This is something I've been struggling with since it happened, and I just can't seem to let it go.  Sure, I forget about it, and I get better, forget about it, and think I move on, but then somebody brings it up and I lose it...  I over-socialize, I keep myself too busy, and I rebel against my mom, and I become something I'm not.  I hate that I do this, and I wish that I knew how to change, but it's just a part of me that I can't help....
The one thing I'm really happy about is that I have an amazing group of friends, Morgan Henson, Marie Luff, Jake York,  JWall, and Kyle Sweeney.  These kids are here for me through everything, and talk me though the hard times.  Another person that really makes me happy would be T.B. It's strange, but I realized the other day just how amazing he really is.  Yeah, we've messed each other over pretty bad, but I'm just really glad that I met him..  He was someone that I always turned to when I was upset, all the way up to December when everything went downhill again.  Every relationship has it's fights right?