I'm not afraid to admit it.

I'm not afraid to admit it. I was wrong. I was beyond wrong actually. If I was dumb enough to believe for one moment he loved me? Wow, lack of common sense much? I feel stupid for believing him. Seriously! I should have seen this coming. T.B. has once again proved to me that he's not a decent human being. After all of the things I had said about him being a great person, about him loving me, about him caring and that he's going to go some where in life? Eff that. He'd be a great lawyer. That's about it. I say lawyer because they get paid to lie, they get paid to twist things to the point of being somewhat reasonable.  Honestly, I probably deserved to be lied to if i was naive enough to fall for his charade. This might be a good thing, if you look at it with an optimists point of view. It could be perceived as a new chapter in my life, one in which I won't take bullshit, or fall for even the simplest of lies.
I'm a teenager, so I'm supposed to fall in love and have my heart broken, right? I know I'm not the only teenage girl out there who blogs about how stupid her significant other is. I can't be.  All I'm asking is that someone cuts me a break, and quits trying to be "Mr. Cool"

^^

Have you ever just wanted to give up on something, but didn't have the mental strenght to do so?  That's where I'm starting to believe I'm at.  It feels as though I'm stuck inside a never ending boxing match, and I just keep taking the face and chest blows.  My question, when will it end?  When will I have the mental strenght to say no more, to just say I'm done? Everyone keeps telling me, "He's not worth it, he doesn't love you, and he certainly doesn't care about you."  They don't see the T.B. that I do.  They don't read every text message, and they don't see the way he stares into my eyes when it's just us.  They're not there for the long, life conversations, and they're not there when he tells me he loves me.  So, when they say the terrible things, I know in my heart, they aren't true.
After I give that arguement, some start into the "He's a pill addict, all he does is drugs, and drink.  He is one of the dumbest people I know.  He isn't going to amount to anything, so why waste your time?"  For that, all I can say is watch him. He's not a pill addict, he does amazing in school, and yeah he drinks, but so what?  He will amount to something, just watch him, he's going into the marines, and he's going to make something of himself, I can only hope so. There's days I think he's not going to amount to anything, and there's things he does that makes me believe all the hoopla, but then I go back to the whole "T.B. is an amazing person, and he tells it like it is" deal.  It may take him awhile, but he knows what he wants, and he's going to achieve it, and he may mess up a lot, but if you only knew him, you'd understand.  He's had it hard, he's seen it all, and been through it all.  So before you go and judge him, stfu, and don't.

I am tired, no, no maybe exhausted is the right word.  I'm exhaused of people thinking they know the deets of my life. They think they know what I've done, the things I've been through, and the people I love.  My response? You don't know diddly squat. You don't know the reasons I am the way I am. You don't know why I make the decisions I do, and you sure as hell don't know what I've done.  The thing is, I don't even know the answer to half of those questions, except the what I've done one, I'm clueless.  I make bad decisions, but I live with those. People judge me as though they know my life story, well sorry to inform you of this, but I don't know my story even.  Unless you're following me around, which is also referred to as stalking, then just shut up.  It's pointless to pretend you're my best friend, it's pointless to pretend you care.  All that comes of that is pain, and regret.  Regret isn't my feeling though, I've lived my life with only one true regret, and that's ever talking to R.A..  It's pretty sad to admit that that is my only regret.  If you only knew though, then you'd understand why I regret everything.  Why somedays I can't bare to be in public for fear of bursting out into tears.  Never in my life do I want to see him again, and I know I will, that's the hard part. I know if I ever even wanted to see T.B. again, I'd have to put up with seeing R.A. everytime.  Ughh, the thought of this makes me depressive.

Regrets&&Friends.

I feel as though most of the things I do these days are mistakes.  They seem like they are good decisions at the time but when I look back at them, I realize it wasn't what was best for me.  Seth for instance, biggest mistake of my life.  He has hurt me more than I thought humanly possible.  I feel dirty, unimportant, and used.  I know he didn't mean to make me feel like this, and if he knew he did, then he'd probably be very upset with himself...  So, I kind of keep it to myself.
I don't regret Seth, I just view it as a mistake, a regret would b like hanging out with R.A.  R.A.will be the one thing in this world I'll regret until I die.  He took something from me that I can never get back.  The one thing in this world I had to give to someone I truly cared about went to waste.  I wish I could write a blog on that, just to get all of the feelings I have out, but I just can't.  I get that there's going to be people who believe me, but I also know that there are people that won't, and those will be the people who matter.  I don't remember every detail of that night,  I remember the ones that led up to it, which were all my decisions, all the way up to the point when I walked into that door.  I lost the one person I cared about most, just because I chose to go.
This is something I've been struggling with since it happened, and I just can't seem to let it go.  Sure, I forget about it, and I get better, forget about it, and think I move on, but then somebody brings it up and I lose it...  I over-socialize, I keep myself too busy, and I rebel against my mom, and I become something I'm not.  I hate that I do this, and I wish that I knew how to change, but it's just a part of me that I can't help....
The one thing I'm really happy about is that I have an amazing group of friends, Morgan Henson, Marie Luff, Jake York,  JWall, and Kyle Sweeney.  These kids are here for me through everything, and talk me though the hard times.  Another person that really makes me happy would be T.B. It's strange, but I realized the other day just how amazing he really is.  Yeah, we've messed each other over pretty bad, but I'm just really glad that I met him..  He was someone that I always turned to when I was upset, all the way up to December when everything went downhill again.  Every relationship has it's fights right?

Final Project.... "Rehab"

             I stared in silence at the empty chair next to me.  Mr. Rockett was in the front of the classroom going over the latest event in his pathetic life.  Rehab, I’ve been here for at least three months, after my drug addiction of two years. I loved those two years, cherishing them close to my heart, knowing I'd never forget them. I fell in love, screwed everything up, and landed my ass in here.  In my three months here, I'd half-way recovered from my so-called 'illness', and also lost probably the best thing that had ever happened to me in my life.  This was it, my life in rehab.  Waking up every morning to the shrieking sound of my alarm, going to eat breakfast in a crowded cafeteria with psychotic, drug-addicted losers.  I didn't belong here.  Mr. Rockett took his chair next to me, as I strolled towards the podium, nervous as could be.  My story, my life, my personal thoughts.  Sharing wasn't something I liked to do, but if I wanted out of this place, it was a must.

            Eighteen years old and already had a list of felonies.  No regrets though, that's what he had taught me, because at one point, it was exactly what I had wanted.  I knew the some of the things I'd done weren't the brightest, and I knew that one day it'd come back to bite me, although, it seems as though it already had.  My parents wanted nothing to do with me; their disappointment rang in my ear.  “How could you do this to us?  What did we do wrong?”  My mother's voice was barely audible while she spoke to me through the wire cage in the car the arresting officer had put me in.  The pain in her bloodshot eyes was enough to tell me she was not proud of her child at that point.  So many events had led up to this.. It'd been building up for months, the anger, the drug and alcohol use.  I'm supposedly lucky that they didn't send me straight to jail, or straight to the psyche ward.  It had never occurred to me that my life could rip into a downward spiral so swiftly.

           "It all started with me getting my license.  The feeling of freedom, the ability to do whatever, I couldn’t get enough.  I started working at a fast food restaurant, the next town over, meeting the teens of the town, well the boys anyways.  They’d go through the drive-thru giving me attention I wasn’t use to exactly.  Immediately, they became some of my best friends.  They introduced me into a world I never thought possible, full of parties, alcohol, and marijuana.  I’d never tried anything like it before, the aroma of the marijuana would stick to my clothes, but my parents never said a word.

            February, two months into my downward spiral, and I was to the point of smoking weed every day, at least twice a day.  It was time for my usual fix, a blunt on a cruise.  I reached into my jacket and pulled out my cell phone, quickly dialing Aaron’s number.

            “Hey, where you at?” I asked knowing he’d be down.

            “Drew's, where you at?” Aaron answered; I could hear the smile in his voice as he mumbled each word.

            “On my way there, who’s all there? “  I prayed that he wouldn’t say anybody that I didn’t know,  my paranoid state hadn’t left me yet.

            “Just me, Alex, and Drew are you gonna come still?”  His voice sounded suspicious, as though worried I wouldn’t.

            “Ya, I’ll be there in like two minutes.  I’m on his road already.” I went ahead and closed my phone, digging the weed and ‘rillo’ out of my pocket.

            A few moments later I pulled into Drew’s driveway, careful not to slide into the mountain of snow that surrounded it.  School had been canceled due to the three feet of snow that lay on the once green grass. “Dude, hurry up, it's freezing outside!” Drew began walking faster, as Aaron and Alex started to stroll towards my car...  When they finally opened the door, I let out a sigh of relief.  I handed Aaron the weed and rillo, “You better pearl that shit.”

    “Always do”  Aaron smiled his signature smile, that made it impossible to be mad at him.

    “Ha, well, let’s get out of here.” I pulled out of the short driveway, careful to miss the mailbox on my way out.  “Where do you want me to go?”

    “Just drive up here, and then I’ll drive from the gas station.  I did as he said as he started on the task at hand.  “Crank up the music, we need to hot box, and roll like thugs. “Aaron looked at me with a serious expression, then busted out laughing. "Seriously though, give us some tunes."  I laughed as I turned up the volume and drove towards the gas station.

    We arrived a couple moments later, and Aaron switched me seats.  “I’ll take us out to the country.”

    “Just be careful, it’s really slick out.”  I said, having a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

    “I know, I know, I’ve been driving longer than you would think sweetheart.”  I glared at him, and raised my hand, as if to ‘pimp-slap’ him.  “Sorry!  I was just playing.  You can spark it if you want!”  I took the blunt from him and grabbed my lighter, knowing this was going to be fun.  “There’s enough left for about 3 more blunts, so there’s enough for all of us to spark.”



                “Dude, the roads are straight nasty!  I keep sliding!”  Aaron sounded a little worried, but he kept going.  “Think if I hit this at 50 we’ll make it through?” He turned his head towards Alex.

                “Nah, dude hit it at like 90, we’ll definitely make it through.”  Aaron put the pedal to the medal and started towards a road with at least three feet of snow on it.

                “Hey, give me a shot gun real quick!” Aaron screamed over the sound of the engine accelerating.  Aaron let off the gas, and the car came to a halt.  Alex held the lit end of the blunt between his teeth, surrounding it by his lips, and blew smoke at Aaron.  Aaron sucked in the smoke, and held it in until he turned around.  He proceeded to press the gas, as he exhaled..  The car wasn’t moving.  We were posted right there, and nobody knew where we were.

                “Dude, how are you going to get my car out of this?”

                “Call Cole, he’s got a Durango.”  Drew answered with a smile.

                “Alright, as long as you can get my car out, let’s light another.”  I handed the lighter to Aaron, and started to roll the blunt.

                “Hey, Cole, what you doing dude?”  Cole murmured a few more things into the phone and then shut it.

                “He’s just gotta find us, and then he’ll be here.  I’m not sure exactly where we are.”  Aaron smiled and I handed him the blunt.  Quickly, he sparked it, and passed it to Alex.

                “ Where is he?  It’d been about an hour, and I was getting anxious.

    At this point everyone had switched seats but me,  Drew was now in the front attempting to get my car out, while Aaron and Alex were in the back,

                “Like I said, nobody knows where we are.  He’s trying to find us.  That’s who I’m texting, but hey, if he’s going to pull us out, we need something to pull us out with.  Hand me that lighter so I can burn off your seat belt. “  Aaron looked at me and I handed him the lighter.  “After this, Alex and I are going to try and get your car out ourselves. Let me have your coat! I need something to shovel snow with too. “

              I took off my coat and handed it to him, “All I have is a math book, will that work?”
   
    "Ya,"  He proceeded to light my seat belt on fire, as I just stared and laughed.  When he finished setting it on fire, Aaron grabbed the book and Alex and him stepped out of my car to move snow.

            The next hour was spent with Aaron and Alex outside of my car, scooping away snow, while Drew and I  sat back and jammed to the radio.

            “It's way to cold out there, and Cole's on his way.  He's almost here.”  Aaron climbed into the backseat, attempting to keep warm.  “He's going to try and get you out, promise.”  Drew reached into my seat and pulled me into a huge hug.

    “You're one of my favorite hoodrats, Dylan.”  Drew squinted his eyes and gave me a half-smile.  “Even though you have a dude name, you're still my niggah.”  We tried for at least an hour to push my car out of the snow that held it captive.

    "It's not going to budge sweetheart," Cole smiled at me, "I can take you back into town, just climb in."
    "Well, I'm going to be in trouble anyways, so let's just smoke more I guess."  I smiled at Cole, knowing this wouldn't be the last time we crossed paths.
    "Let's go girl."  He smiled at me, and I took the passenger seat, blushing, knowing this was the one.
    "Hey, hit up Parrish, he'll have stuff."  Aaron spoke up, not wanting me to forget him.
    Ignoring him, Cole reached over to shake my hand, "I'm Cole, where are you from girl?"
    "I'm Dylan, and I'm from Vail, are you from here?"
    "Not really, I moved here in like third grade, but I'm from all over really, well around here anyways."  He smiled nervously as we pulled into Parrish's driveway.
    We cruised this blunt, and finally it was time for me to go home and face the music. I knew my parents were going to go on a trip, and probably find out that I was smoking weed, everyday.  Cole dropped everyone else off before he took me home, for this, I was actually glad.  I didn't need all these boys knowing where I lived.
    "Well, I guess it was nice to meet you Dyl.  You're pretty cool if you ask me.  I hope your mom doesn't kill you." He smiled as reached over to hug me.  Quickly, I hugged him back, and reached back to get my purse. 
    "It was nice to meet you too, Cole. Thanks for taking me home,  I owe you one."  I shut his door and walked up the steps to my home, this was it.
    I opened the door and looked at my mom, "Hey, uhm can we talk really quick?"
    "Sure, what's wrong?"  My mom looked a little bit concerned and paused her TV show.
    "My car is kind of stuck, but the thing is, I'm not sure how to get to it."  I tried to look her in the eyes, but my eyes were glued to the floor.
    "Honestly, you don't understand how angry I am right now.  Call your Aunt Renee and see if she can help you, because I'm really not in the mood to talk, you don't understand how angry I am right now." I could hear the fury in my Mom's voice as I pulled out my phone to call my Aunt.
    "Hello?" My Aunt's voice sounded relaxed, peaceful almost.
    "Hey, It's Dylan, uhm I need your help."
    "Are you okay, sweetie?  What happened?  Do you need the cops or anything?"  My Aunt's peaceful voice was now anxious, full of worry.
    "No, it's nothing like that.  I was just wondering if you knew someone who could help me get my car out.  It's a little bit stuck."  I tried to brush it off as if it wasn't a big deal, knowing, that at any moment my dad could get home and kill me.

Illegal Activities, and our School

I just walked up into our middle school to use the restroom, and I noticed all of their "drug-free" posters, telling the harmful effects, the risks you're taking, and just overall that it's bad.  I look around our high school, and I haven't seen any of these.  It's like they've decided that we're in high school and we aren't going to listen to a thing they have to say anymore.  I'll admit, I've done some dumb stuff in my life, but I've also learned from these.  Kids these days, even in high school, need more than the occasional assembly telling us stories about stuff that happens.  Our biggest deal in this county, in my opinion, is marijuana.  It's one of those things that's always going to be around, legal, or not.  Kids have started using other products similar to these, like the insence they sell at some stores or K2, K3, K4, which are more harmful than marijuana, just because our school drug tests them.  These products give off a high that doesn't last nearly as long as that of weed.  Therefore, our students, possibly even our future leaders of this country, are using this product more and more, intensifying the dangers.  I'm not saying that our country should legalize weed, I'm just saying, it'd be a lot more healthy if our school didn't do the drug testing, and if they'd just let us make our own mistakes.
I understand why we drug test, and I'd be willing to take one at this very moment, only because I know I'd pass.  I just believe that what we do in our spare time is none of the school's business. It's not their business what we do when we aren't in their possession.  I do believe however that it is our school's right to know if a student brings such illegal products to school.  Those rules aren't in question.  I'm not saying that PCHS is a bad school, I'm just saying they need to take a step back and realize that they're pushing their students to a much more dangerous fate, because some of the things that are impossible to test for, such as duster, are far more dangerous than that of a simple blunt.

Decisions.

It always happens the same.  The moment someone walks out of my life, everyone that had previously walked out returns.  It's like they have some batcall type thing that just screams "Hey! Steph is single, vulernable, and is to the point where she's not caring anymore, go eff up her life a little bit more, give her some more options of eff ups."  So, it wouldn't exactly say that, but it seems like it does.  The moment something ends, past interests decide they want another chance.  This is a huge problem with T.B., and a few others, but we'll keep them nameless.  I despise him, but he's one of my favorite people on this earth.  Never did I think that I could love someone I also hated.  He's a great dude, but he also is notorious for walking out of my life when I need him most, and walking back in when  I would rather just not have him anywhere near me.  This is one of those points.  If he were to walk back in at this point, it would probably not be a good thing.  I'm moving on, and I know he's going to do something to eff it up for me.  He's going to walk back in at the point when I finally get things back on track for myself. 
I love him, I know I do, but I don't think I want him back in my life right about now. 
Honestly, I don't know. He is one of those people that always has me thinking.